Joy in the Morning
“Everything happens for a reason
But you don’t know what you don’t know
And you’ll never have peace if you don’t let go of tomorrow
’Cause it ain’t even faith till your plan falls apart
But you still choose to follow,
If it doesn’t make sense right now, it will when it’s over
There will be joy in the morning
There will be joy in the morning
Giving in to your feelings is like drowning in the shadows
Oh, you gotta keep believing
Even in the middle of the unknown
’Cause grace will be there
When you come to the end of your rope and you let go
It may feel like you’re goin’ down now
But the story isn’t over ”
I feel this song so strongly!
“It ain't even faith till your plan falls apart but you still choose to follow.” -Tauren Wells
Today is especially one of those days that has me swirling in an emotional pool. I woke up this morning to the sound of birds singing, and the sun shining. Darek and the kids showered me with love! I love this kind of morning when everything feels right with the world.
Rewind one short year, and I was in the midst of chemotherapy, entering one of the most challenging seasons of my life. Life! That is what I am grateful for. I spent this day last year with some dear friends among the flowers at plants at the MN Landscape Arboretum - one of my favorite retreats! It was a bittersweet birthday as there was much uncertainty about what the future held for me and my family.
Today, I am cancer free - cured - from Stage IV Metastatic Colon Cancer! Praise God for this amazing turn of events!! Every morning when I wake up, even if I am not ready to get out of bed, I thank God for the amazing gift of another day with my family. Another day to do my best to bring glory to His name. Another day to be a witness of God’s amazing goodness, even in the midst of deep despair and hopelessness. Another day with my husband and children, serving them to the best of my abilities.
On that note, I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way. One thing I have been struggling with recently is the mental battle of “enough.” I feel like I missed almost an entire year of life even though I was physically present. The brain fog I have been experiencing is a constant reminder of the struggle last year held, and that even though I was physically present when I could be, I was really never fully mentally present. This stirs thoughts of loss and grief for what I missed and the moments I struggle to remember.
Let’s Get Real For A Minute!
Now that I am feeling stronger and more like myself, I am struggling with asking for help. It is almost as if I redeemed my “ask for help” card and I do not want to be a burden or appear helpless any longer. I am especially struggling with this at home with my kids. I started taking on the household chores and tasks so I could lift the weight from Darek, and get back into a normal routine, but now I am finding myself in the extreme opposite camp of doing too much and allowing our kids to slide by. If there is one thing I do not want my kids to be, it’s entitled. They do know how to work, and how important it is to our family that we work together to care for our home and the many wonderful things that have been entrusted to our care. I, however, feel some sort of guilt for missing out so much and not being able to do the little things like dishes and laundry, so I have taken it all on. I am struggling with the balance.
The battle I face is this: I want my kids to remember me well, and if I do not wake up tomorrow, what will their memories be? Did I love them well? Did I support them well? Did I care for them well? Am I the mom who picks them up from school and sings with them in the car, or intentionally listens to the stories about their day (that make no sense to me)? Am I the mom who magically takes care of the house without complaining and makes sure we have the best (and healthiest) treats? Or, am I the mom who complains about the state of our home and our ungrateful kids? Am I lazy or always tired? These are probably not things that even cross their minds, but I know in the future they will. I have this mental pressing that if I am able to do these things, I should, because I know what it is like to feel helpless.
So, there is it. If you have offered to help me with something recently and I hesitated or even declined, this is why. I am working on it, but the struggle is real. I would like to think I am not the only one who has gone through a season like this.
“I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Paul says it well here in Philippians. I will continue to press on, and know that there is Joy in the morning. If our circumstances are not good, then He’s not done with it yet. Let’s trust together in God’s plan for our life, and live each day knowing that there WILL be Joy in the morning! There is much to be joyful about!
