Emotional Rollercoaster
Today was supposed to be the day that we received the “GOOD NEWS” of a clear PET scan.
Darek and I were ready for this appointment, armed with positive thoughts and expectations.
I picked Darek up from work and we journeyed on toward the Oncologist office. We checked in and were called back within a couple of minutes. I was greeted by a nurse I have had previously who has a son he same age as Toby. We discussed baseball, as her son plays too, and he has played against Toby’s team. It was great having such a friendly person start our visit. Shortly after she left the room my Oncologist (Dr. L.) came in. She was friendly and pleasant as usual, but she got right to the point this time.
Typically the results from tests and scans appear in the MyChart app as soon as they are read by the Radiologist. This time the PET scan results were not there so I didn’t even have the opportunity to nervously read through them ahead of time. I believe this was by design. Dr. L informed us that the two spots in question on the previous MRI and CT scans did in fact “light up” on the PET scan, and that is cause for concern. We talked about possibilities, options, and next steps, and for a few moments our world paused - AGAIN!
Now, the interesting thing about this is the location of those two spots. They are each located in the segments of my liver that were resected in August. When cancer metastasizes, it generally isn’t selective like this, in where it relocates. There is zero evidence of possible cancer anywhere else in my body, including other parts of my liver. This is very unusual. We left that appointment trying to keep our heads high, but feeling defeated at the same time. That is the first time I have actually cried in the oncologist’s office.
I want SO BADLY to ring the bell! I want to hear the words, Remission and CURE!
I am so tired of the tests and appointments, but I know they are really for my good.
Darek offered to pick the kids up from school, and I opted to run a couple of errands and give myself some time to process and pray. I had a few “pick-up” orders so those were easy. I did end up going to Costco for a few things, and I was able to chat with my parents as I pushed that humongous shopping cart through the endless warehouse that is Costco. I probably looked a little crazy to the sea of humanity also shopping. I pushed my cart along my ‘normal’ route and picked up the things on my list, as I talked, cried, and prayed with my parents. Sometimes it just feels better to talk things through. I was glad to spend time on the phone with them.
I headed home and rehearsed in my head what I was going to share with our kids. How do I let them know that the test did not come back clear, without allowing fear to overwhelm their thoughts? Which words are best to describe my own concerns while also showing them that I still trust God? How do I offer praise and set the best example for my family as I am sad, disappointed, angry, and confused? God, help me!
(Darek was gracious enough to do the sharing with this kids once we knew a little more.)
I walked in the door, gave Toby his new gym bag for basketball, gave Kaiya her very own, new light and dark blue basketball, and gave Carina her long awaited orange juice. Simple joys are the best! I had nearly finished putting away the groceries when my phone rang. It was my oncologist on the other end. She proceeded to let me know that she had a conversation with my surgeon to discuss the test results and consult with him regarding next steps. She proceeded to tell me that he was not concerned and does not think it is cancer, but possibly inflammation at the sites that formed scarring post surgery. In fact, his concern was so little that he did not even think a biopsy was necessary. We are going to do the biopsy, as my oncologist (and I) would both like the peace of mind that will come with knowing. We are hoping, praying, and believing that the goodness of God prevails through negative biopsy results.
There is a song that I am really loving right now, and it says that the sower never wastes a tear. This song applies to so many situations, and I know that it will bless you if you give it a listen:
I will have a liver biopsy next week.
I welcome your prayers in the meantime, and if I can pray for you, please don’t hesitate to ask.
