Gratitude vs. Guilt
Yesterday should have been a day filled with Joy, praise, and a sense of great relief.
I had my first post-op follow up appointment with my oncologist which went better than expected in many ways, however, I still spent the bulk of the day with feelings of guilt and frustration. I will dive right in here because I feel the need to get it all out in the open.
There are a lot of numbers and statistics that are tossed around when it comes to medical diagnoses and it is sometimes difficult to set them on the shelf. I am not suggesting that we completely ignore important information, but I believe the statistics and numbers should simply be used as a guide, not a hard truth. Statistics have SO many variables that it is impossible to apply numbers in such a general way to an entire population of people. There is merit in scientific studies, but equally important to the end result is that very specific population with as many likenesses as possible, which cannot possibly apply to all people in all situations. I do stand on the premise that numbers are really for man, and I believe that with God ALL things are possible. That being said, there is still the human side of me that thinks and over thinks details, allowing my thoughts to wander toward fear and worry. Honestly, I am feeling frustrated that I still have Seven Chemo treatments remaining. I was (not so secretly) hoping my Oncologist would offer an option of reducing that number, but she is set on it - and for good reason. The best news in this scenario, however, is that we have completely removed the Oxaliplatin infusion because it has caused side effects that may be permanent, and would most likely become much worse with additional infusions. This particular drug only adds a 1-2% boost to the effectiveness of the treatment I have been prescribed, so we agreed that removing it altogether would be the best option.
My next infusion is scheduled for Labor Day (September 5th), and I will have the pump (Bruno) attached for next two days at home. This will be the start of my every other week cycle, through November.
We were met with the BEST POSSIBLE CASE as far as outcomes post chemo and post surgery, which I praise God for! The best news that lead to this outcome is the fact that the tumor was completely dead upon removal, which indicates that the chemo is defeating the cancer. Prior to surgery we were told that the tumor would be tested for specific tumor DNA that would guide the treatment options post surgery. This is not possible, though, because there were no living cells to test. THAT IS A GREAT THING! This outcome is uncommon. The general goal is that the tumor will shrink, but the fact that it was completely dead is a testament to YOUR PRAYERS and our Faith in the healing power of God.
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!
As I mentioned previously, I received this fantastic news but I was caught in a funk. Full transparency - I feel like this season is dragging on and I don’t want to be a burden on my people. I really wish I did not have to burden Darek with So Many Things… He works hard at his job and at home. I know this probably seems dumb but I want to mow the lawn and I can’t. I want to take care of the random house projects and “chores,” but I still don’t have the energy or strength to do it all. I want to be able to do all of the things, despite my circumstances. Darek intentionally spends time with the kids in ways to make them feel special. (Side note: the kids and I made homemade smoothie bowls yesterday! YUM!!) He goes out of his way to make sure my needs are met and does all he can to keep our home stress free because stress does not promote healing. My friends and community have blessed our family in so many ways I cannot begin to list them, yet I feel guilty at times because I know it is not convenient to add to already busy schedules. So, there you have it. I know I should not feel guilty, but the reality is I just do. I am working through it and I know once again that I will grow stronger as I depend on God.
I am blessed beyond measure, and while I pray that God would pour out a blessing on our family so great we don’t have room to receive it, I don’t actually know HOW to receive it.
Moving from Guilt to Gratitude!
