Mountains
“In the middle of the pain you didn’t cause, the change you didn’t want, or the reality you didn’t know was coming… your life can still be beautiful.”
- Lysa Terkeurst
This is the post I never wanted to write, all the while willing my body to stay in a state that would not require it. I will begin by saying that it is well with my soul. I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts, (dare I say) doubts, fears, disappointments this past week. I notice the sunshine (FINALLY) this morning, and am so thankful for the simple joy that brings. The white bark of the birch trees out our back windows shines beautifully, and even though I am completely over the snow, it sure lays a beautiful blanket over the dormant grass and plants.
I sit here writing with tears streaming down my cheeks once again. Thankful for a restful night last night with actual sleep, I feel better equipped to process my thoughts and emotions this morning. I will share a bit of information because it is my intention to allow this journey to help others going through seasons of suffering, heartache, or disappointment. Many people keep their journey private, and I completely respect that. Please know my writing is not a plea for sympathy, rather a way to express the raw reality of life coupled with the truth of God’s sovereignty and goodness.
On Thursday (4/7) I met with an oncologist at M Health Fairview Cancer Center (Dr. C) to discuss my P.E.T. scan results, review my previous 2 years of health history, and discuss recommended steps for this next page of the journey. Here is where we currently are:
There is a lesion on my liver, that based on the scans has been determined to be cancerous. This is a new lesion and not the same one that has been very small and stable from the get go. The small, stable lesion is / was not concerning, however I will now have a biopsy of the larger lesion to fully determine whether or not it is cancer. Additionally, I will have a MRI of my liver to ensure that there are not additional areas of concern.
There was also a nodule on my Thyroid that we may have biopsied as well, however, my care team does not seem concerned about that one. Dr. C. even mentioned that I could wait on it if I wanted to because it is completely unrelated, and very common. I may have both biopsies done at the same appointment if it makes sense, just to be done with it.
Once all of these tests are completed, I will meet with a liver surgeon to discuss the results and recommended course of care. This is the part I have been experiencing anxiety over, but I am working through it and trusting that God’s plan is still in motion. I do not need to be in control of every aspect, but instead trust that His plan is still working even when it looks and feels different than I hope it would.
The REALLY good news!
The P.E.T. scan showed clear results in my Bones, Blood, and Lymph system!! Praise God for all of this!!
My primary Doctor (Dr. O.) has been following up with me quarterly and making sure that I am staying the course. She is a spirit filled Christian, and I know that God has placed me in her care on purpose. Her encouragement and prayers have given me peace that I pray anyone going through difficult times will also have.
Romans 8:28 “And we know [with great confidence] that God [who is deeply concerned about us] causes all things to work together [as a plan] for good for those who love God, to those who are called according to His plan and purpose.” AMP
Dr. O originally referred me to see Dr. L in oncology, and when I was called to schedule with her I was informed that Dr. L doesn’t see my type of cancer. So, I proceeded to schedule with the first available Oncologist instead (Dr. C). When I arrived at that appointment, Dr. C and her staff informed me that she was moving away and leaving the practice in a few months so I would need to transition to a different oncologist. Her recommendation for me: Wait for it…. Dr. L!! The original doctor I was referred to!! I explained that I was referred to her but was told I couldn’t see her, and Dr. C confirmed that she can and will see me. This is not a coincidence. I do not believe in coincidence. Might I also add that we live in the metro of Minneapolis and there are A LOT of Oncologists! What are the odds that I would be referred back to the original doctor that my primary wanted me to see in the first place? I guess we really don’t even need to think on that, because we have been praying that God would place me in the care of the best and right people as we fight this battle.
You may notice that I say we a lot here. That is because I know that I am not the only one fighting this battle. I have the absolute BEST support circle! I am blessed to have my family in my corner, by my side, and in the trenches with me. Darek (my husband) has been a rock for me, even while he is processing grief from the passing of his father this past fall. He is encouraging and loving even when it is hard (knowing it may get harder for a short while). Please remember him in your prayers as well as our children, as we face this mountain head, and watch in wonder as God moves it away, never to return.
This is a long post, but I really wanted to share as much as I could up to this point. I will leave you with this. We were at a Toby Mac concert a few weeks ago and he performed this song: Edge of My Seat Take a listen. It’s a fun song that we play in the car on the way to school in the morning. He stops mid song to give this message: There are 2 postures to tackle each day with. We can sit back in our chair with arms crossed and eyes rolled, saying, “Today, I have to do this… and Today, I have to do that…” OR we can sit on the edge of our seat when we open our eyes WIDE with WONDER of what God is going to do with this day in front of us! Then we say, “Today, I GET to do this… and Today, I GET to do that…”
Which will you choose today? Jaded? Or Hopeful with Wonder?
