Ping Pong
I have never been great at ping pong. Let’s be real here. I have never even been good at ping pong! At least, not the physical game of ping pong. I am, however, a master at the mental game of ping pong, and let me tell you that it is good at stealing my joy.
This past Monday I was initially scheduled to have a follow-up PET scan at the University of Minnesota. As the story goes, my insurance denied it because they do not find it medically necessary, so jumping through hoops again landed me a regular CT scan instead. PET scans are very expensive so I do understand why insurance companies do not want to cover them. There could also be the fact that before the scan they inject radioactive sucrose in the patient, and they do not want patients having that repeated frequently. Details, details! I am not 100% sure how they make their decisions.
Instead of having to go downtown for my scan, I was able to have the CT at Southdale Hospital, which is much closer and more convenient. The CT was quick and easy. The tech was able to find my vein with one needle stick, and all was well. The only real bummer was that I had to have another poke to have blood drawn afterward because they cannot use the same one that the CT contrast goes through. Thankfully, the lab tech was also able to find a vein quickly, with one poke.
I am glad these simple tests are completed, but next comes the waiting game.
Enter - mental ping pong!
I met a new friend for lunch after these tests, which was a welcome and wonderful distraction. We established a great connection and I am grateful for the timing of our lunch meeting. These are the little details in life that point me toward the goodness of God. He really does care for us and every single moment of our lives. This was a meeting that we had to reschedule from a couple of weeks prior, but it was perfectly timed.
My test results for the labs and the CT scan all came back by Monday afternoon, to my surprise and relief. Based on my interpretation of the results, things are looking good, however, there is still this annoying thought in the background that pulls me in the wrong direction. I shift quickly from the good report to the one lab number that is on the low side, back to the clear sections and final conclusion of the scan, to the one uncertain finding, and so on and so forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. It Is SO ANNOYING! Sometimes I look in the mirror and just have to say: “Stephanie, STOP IT! Get a grip! You know the truth, and that truth sets you free, just as it will for everyone else who chooses to believe.” I have a follow-up appointment with my oncologist on Friday to go over all of the results, and I am sure I will have peace following that visit. Until then, ping pong seems to be my game.
I am battling hard with this mental game and I hope that as we go along I improve in my own coping strategies. Monday evening is our small-group meeting with friends from our church and one point that continues resonating in my mind is this:
“The answer to fear is faith, and faith is best placed in the One who is identified as the ‘I Am.’”
Suffering is hard, and suffering well is even harder. There can be peace in the waiting. Let’s place our faith and trust in the great ‘I Am’ and practice using our faith muscle. The best way I have found to do this is on my knees with my hands raised. This battle is not mine, and I do not need to rely on my own abilities or understanding. I (within the perfect plan of God) will win this match of mental ping pong and trust that He has it all worked out.
What I know to be true is that God is still on the throne, so God is still in control.
