A Difficult Season
“Behind every smile is a broken heart. We are all carrying something heavy. It’s hard, in the darkness of sorrow, to believe that we are a new creation and allowed to flourish again. God can transform our sorrow as we stay connected with community.”
Many things weigh heavy on our hearts, especially during this time of year. It feels more profound in this season when we traditionally spend more time gathered with family and dear friends. Grief seems to re-surface (personally, the loss of my father-in-law last year) and feelings and emotions compound as we experience new pain and sorrow. Grief comes in waves, or so we are told. I would liken it to a cyclical season of storms. Emotional turmoil feels equal to the physical destruction that Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Blizzards, you name it, leave with us.
A song by We Are Messengers says: “Maybe it's okay if I'm not okay
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life”
Lately I would say that I’m not okay, and that’s okay. I'm not looking for pity or sympathy. I just want to say it because far too often we put on a front, when things are really not okay. It is okay to not be okay.
I know that God is good. I believe that God is good. However, I have been caught in a struggle lately when it comes time to worship. The reality is that my thoughts have been wandering to the questions that surround the goodness of God. Not necessarily the “Why Me” questions, rather the “Why this,” “ Why them,” or “Why now” questions.
Good God vs. Bad Things
I wonder what the future holds for me and my family. I wonder why other people go through trials, sickness, or heartache, but their story includes the ultimate and unexplainable quick loss of their loved one(s). I wonder what it might be in God’s sovereign plan that would include these scenarios. I wonder why one person is healed and another is not. I am well aware that it is not for me to know, and this is where trust comes in to play. I fully expect that I am healed, and at the end of this course of treatment I will begin the rest of my healthy, long life but I would be remiss if I did not admit that I wonder if cancer will ever be part of my story again.
I do sometimes ask, “God, where are you?” “Why does this feel so heavy?” I am tired of feeling like a burden on my family and friends. I don’t want it to be about me. I just want to feel good and have my biggest concerns return to “What are we going to have for dinner tonight (or let’s be real - this week)?” And while we are on this topic, I am really dreading my final 2 treatments of Chemo. As you are probably aware, the cumulative effect of chemo has gotten to the point of completely wiping me out for the week. I am sad and sometimes angry to think of how much time cancer has stolen from me and my family. I know I am not alone in these very real thoughts. I would expect that anyone who has gone through similar experiences feels these emotions.
If I have learned one thing recently it is this:
If you seek God, He will show up!
The message at church yesterday really got me thinking, and there were a few points that spoke to my heart.
In particular, this:
God still works ALL Things For Good
Even when it hurts. Even when it doesn’t make sense to us. Even when our finite brains can’t comprehend the actual sovereignty of God. It does not have to make sense to us. Our purpose will not be fully revealed to us, this side of eternity. There will be hurts and heartache because we live in a fallen world. BUT… God is still good, and he still loves us more than we can fathom. I write this to remind you, but probably more to remind myself.
Speaking of the goodness of God, I believe I have failed to write an update on my Thyroid. I finally have ALL of the test results from my lab work, thyroid biopsy genetic testing and ultrasound. The nodule is still there, but is not causing any real harm. It is common to have thyroid nodules, and thankfully mine is non-cancerous. The genetic testing also proved that I do not have any markers for other serious thyroid diseases. The ultrasound confirmed the size and shape, and showed that there were no other areas of concern. I will follow up with the Endocrinologist in a year to make sure everything is still good. I realize that I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful for these results.
I pray that you, too, will find things to be thankful for. If your heart is heavy and you aren’t sure how to keep on, please know that God is for you and He WILL carry you through, if you ask him. If your heart is breaking, my heart breaks for you. I will cry with / for you, pray for you, and ask God to heal your heart.
In the meantime, let’s look for the good. I know if we seek, we will find it!
